Ad Astra Per Aspera
The Kansas motto reminds me to look for the stars even when I am hurting - to the stars through difficulties.
I have previously touched on the difficulties that life can present. Truthfully though, I don’t believe I was completely honest with myself. I still agree with what I wrote then but I would like to return to this topic with more transparency.
I have written about vulnerability before, and it something I think about often. I know how important it is, and that it is the foundation for any genuine connection. I would be lying though if I said it was easy to be vulnerable. To give a voice to what I am feeling or thinking is to allow those thoughts and feelings come alive. It is intimate knowledge that someone now has, that can never be undone or unshared. It can be so easily disregarded or belittled. It can take a life of its own and make changes I am not prepared for. Beyond that, being vulnerable allows someone to judge me or my ideas. I am unfortunately aware that people will always judge. When they judge something of mine that I invested care and effort into, it tends to hurt a lot more. Call me sensitive.
But really, this is a long winded way to say I was afraid to write more personally - I was afraid to be transparent. When I had first started this blog, my biggest goal was to be genuine and vulnerable as to create a safe space for my readers. I’d really rather not start my writing career by going back on my word. So let’s take on the whole ‘life is hard’ topic, completely unfiltered.
Life is hard. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out. If you belong to certain demographics, then your life will probably be a little harder than others. Things like race, family income, sexual preference, etc all impact the way we are treated and the way we experience life. I do strongly encourage you to do your own research regarding these topics. However, I would like to focus on how mental health affects daily life.
Now you could kind of say this is my area of expertise. I was blessed enough to grow up in a diverse environment. I grew up being cared by and caring for those with mental health struggles. I plan on talking solely about my experience to respect everyone’s privacy - but would like to get off track just a second here. Loving someone who has mental health struggles will not look like loving someone who does not. It may be considered more ‘work’. From my experience, I find it more rewarding. This also isn’t meant to be a ‘one is better than the other’ debate, I just know that we get a bad rap. I think it is worth taking the time to say. Those who do struggle with mental health have so much love to give and are some of the most wondrous people - again, from my experience.
Now back on track - I myself struggle with mental health. As someone who does, I can tell you it is mortifying to say/type those words out sometimes. Before even diving into the internal struggle, lets tackle the external pressure. I think we have made a lot of great strides in getting rid of the stigma behind mental health. However, there still is one. When you open up about your struggle, you are opening yourself to a myriad of opinions and assumptions. You’re doing it for attention, you’re crazy, or lazy. It affects how people view you, and therefore the beliefs they have of your character. It is also incredibly unfair that an illness which does not manifest as a physical ailment can be so easily disregarded. There is not a cough or fever but it affects your hormones, chemicals, heart rate, blood pressure, and so much more. It is more than just acting ‘crazy’.
Internally, the hardest battles for me to fight are the ones in which I am uncertain which thought is true. In therapy I was taught that the abnormality in brain chemistry caused by ptsd, injury, or by a mental disorder causes ‘thought doubles’. Where there should be the rational but person opinion or thought, there are two. Unfortunately the first thought is usually the fictitious one. That is where the abnormality or trauma influence the perception of the world. I conceive malice or dislike in actions that never intended for that message. Then, there is the second thought. The rational one. And it is so damn hard to wait for. To perceive things in a completely skewed manner until you can level out? It is probably one of the most confusing, frustrating, and heartbreaking part of my struggle.
I am able to shift moods so quickly, it is confusing and even frustrating for others. I can have panic attacks over how my clothes feel or if one minor, irrelevant detail of my day is changed unexpectedly. I struggle with perceiving myself which in turn means I constantly doubt my place. Within my own life and others. I am sensitive and sometimes, I cannot get out of bed. I have hurt myself and others. I have to be careful about the mind altering things that I consume, because I can’t always be trusted with them. Never have I ever wanted or consciously tried to make my mental illness an excuse, but to say that living with mental illness affects your daily life, emotions, and thought processes is almost a gross understatement.
So then, when I can’t trust my thoughts and my feelings - what do I trust? The people that care about me. The ones that have shown up and showed out. The ones that have never made me feel less than or worse off. Struggling with mental health is a long journey with many ups and downs. Sometimes, the lights go out and I don’t feel like they will ever reappear. But, somehow, I have gotten through every single bad day. Every single panic attack and mental breakdown. Past every ignorant comment, and through every cruel action. Every mistake and unanswered prayer. I have survived through difficulty - and I can say the lights do come back. The stars bespeckle the night sky once more.
When it truly feels like I can’t calm down and I can’t tell what is convoluted thought and what is reality, I remember the ones that care about me, I remember how soft and sweet and kinda dumb my cats are. I remember that the stars always return, even if I need to move elsewhere to get a better view. I take a breath, and I rely on what I know is truly good for me. Writing (my safe haven), family, and cats are the three I think of most.
My wish for you, is that you remember how to find the stars when they blink out. Let this be your reminder that you are loved, you are worthy, and more than anything, you are NEVER alone.
Ad astra per aspera - to the stars through difficulty.